A Monster of GREAT Proportions!

Dear

Depression and those who are afflicted,

What are you? What is Depression? I know!

I thought I would, in a sense, never be one of those people that would ever have to eat a slice of depression from my life’s menu. It feels more like an infinitely growing carcass. It’s such an unpleasant aftertaste that one is left with when something drastic happens. I just wish there was some manual that helps to pull one out of the hole being dug. Maybe I could pray about it, eat healthier and exercise or simply get a counselor. I just want to ask the question… Have you ever gone through depression and if so then what helped you steer your life in the correct direction? Are you taking medicine or did seeing counselor help? I want to hear about your moments to better understand this dreadful curse that seems to have afflicted my life.

Last year, 2 weeks before my birthday, my ex died and I was unable to say goodbye. It was literally the hardest thing that I’ve ever been through aside from having divorced parents. It didn’t hit me at first, which was the weirdest thing. That probably would’ve been too easy to do. No, instead it took its time to percolate under my skin like a slinter in ones foot. And yet, it simply dug its way deeper. I didn’t realize that I was depressed till July 5th when a friend of mine stopped being my friend. I was so stricken with anger from him leaving that I went home and cried for hours on end. I thought that I was sad for loosing him, but mainly… mainly the issue was my ex or there lack of. I missed what we had! I missed us! The companionship, the long nights of movies, romance, long walks, and gardening were things that I gained most out of it all. It was something that no one had ever shown me before. It was literally a whole new world! I needed that from someone, but where was I supposed to turn now? I should’ve gotten help. I should’ve told my mom or friends, gotten a counselor or even talked to God. I want to tell you that I got help was able to be “cured”, yet sadly enough, that’s not what happened at all…

I tried dealing with it all on my own. I would go run for hours while listening to music from my phone. I wrote poems, songs and even drew pictures to distract myself. I fell on the memories that I held close to because I didn’t know what to cling on for support. I was a scared child that hid in the corner of the room and depression was the awful monster that lived in my closet. Only the closet was my heart and I wasn’t doing anything to dissipate the feelings that it injected into me. No, I let it sit… fester… boil even to the depth it reached blood until I was at the point of crying out for help. I’m one of those people that try to traverse through the marsh of life on my own because I feel weak when I ask for help because, for some reason, I feel alone. I don’t know why this is. I know I have people that love me and care. I think the answer is that I feel alone when I am alone because I’m left with the stressors that live within my head. 

Friends aren’t distractions; they are people who care truly for individuals that are worthy of their love. When a person opens up their heart to another it is initially a right of passage because they’re showing the other person love that blossoms from their heart. It’s love like this that heals a broken heart. It’s love like this that shines through the darkness and spreads light to the other person. I love the lights of my life to the moon and back; I’d never trade them for anything thanks to the compassion that I get from their loving souls.

Although friends who care surround me, I’m still depressed. I know we all go through events that are due to decisions that we make or occur thanks to the chips falling off the table, but come on; I just wish things would look up. I hear that when one has a positive outlook then the world is an easy thing to conquer. I just wish I could genuinely look past it all without having to fake a smile to please people because I’m the one it hurts.

I am a person that views the world as a half full cup kind of guy, but lately I’ve been negative. It seems to be that when I talk to people, I give them the best advice and never take it fully. Its medicine that I don’t want to take because it’s hard to admit a problem is occurring. It’s the easiest thing to dismiss having a problem because then you don’t have to receive help from people because all you really want is to eat ice cream and be left alone to swim in your feelings. People don’t have to be nice they just simply are composed of positivity and love that it pulls you from your deep, cynical depression. Let go and love always! It’s a motto that I need to live by!

I cracked at the end of 2014 and told my mom about my ex. I was finally able to vent to her about what happened as well as how I was feeling along with other things that happened. It took a simple exhaling breath to release bent up emotions that had turned me into a walking pot left on simmer…the pressure was releasing and smoke was rising. I had reached a peak that wasn’t a pretty sight furthermore; I had told someone that I was depressed. It felt good to let someone know. It felt right. She asked me why I hadn’t talked about it beforehand only for me to respond with “I wasn’t ready to talk, I needed time to heal” which came out cold, and harsh. That saddened me. I couldn’t communicate with the woman that was practically my best friend, my mom, and the lady who raised me.

I had my second breakdown when I started back to college. It was the end of last month that I came to the conclusion of dropping out. A new place, new people and far from home… the are things that can scare anyone. It was a situational circumstance that pushed me to the point of missing home but more importantly that I was depressed. I wanted to drop out, to go back home, and be surrounded by the people that love me… I didn’t. I’m still depressed. Tomorrow I go to meet with a counselor to get help. It’s not an act of weakness to ask rather an act of strength because you’re doing something to get out of your cavern of negativity.

A side note:

To the people that have never gone through depression, it isn’t something that one will instantly drop. Depression grips tightly with its claws in the hearts of its victims to keep them feeling low. You can try to help them get out of it although you might not get too far. The only people that can truly pull them out of the darkness completely are themselves. They have last say! It sounds weird, but sometimes medicine can’t even help. It takes the person’s choice and realization to get better that leads them to the track for recovery. I have a problem, I want a solution, and action from my behalf is that solution!

Tips:

Tame your dragons, so they don’t get the best of you. Don’t cage them but rather demolish them! It’ll be a hard road to walk but I know you can do it. Never be afraid to ask for help because you never know who will be there to catch you when you fall. Trust others and know that you’re loved.

Below I have attached some links on books as well as articles that have some very interesting information that will hopefully help! I wish everyone the best of luck and a fantastic night! 

Regards,

Sebastian

P.s.- Depression, you’re a ruthless beast that I hope to gain control over because I want my life back!

Sincerely, S 

Quotes revolving about depression:

What you believe is very powerful. If you have toxic emotions of fear, guilt and depression, it is because you have wrong thinking, and you have wrong thinking because of wrong believing.

-Joseph Prince

Here is the tragedy: when you are the victim of depression, not only do you feel utterly helpless and abandoned by the world, you also know that very few people can understand, or even begin to believe, that life can be this painful. There is nothing I can think of that is quite as isolating as this.

-Giles Andreae

Website Links:

A drug that seems to help:

https://www.pristiq.com/?source=yahoo&HBX_PK=s_dealing%20with%20depression&o=47362256%7C223601698%7C0&skwid=43700000561619035

A Guide to Depression:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

Amazon Links:

6 Step Depression Cure:

9.99$ ebook

http://www.amazon.com/Depression-Cure-6-Step-Program-without-ebook/dp/B0097DHV94/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423028559&sr=8-1&keywords=depression

The Mindful Way through Depression:

9$ ebook

http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-through-Depression-Unhappiness-ebook/dp/B007T9FZRS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1423028559&sr=8-2&keywords=depression